Child is crying in his crib, and
His bottle is sitting rooms away.
Mother has a computer game she must learn to play.

Child is starting fights at school, and
His tests are always failed.
Mother has to buy new clothes at the monthly sale.

Child is doing harmful drugs, and
His friends all think it's great.
Mother has to spend her time preparing for a date.

Child gets caught--arrested, and
His judge won't set him free.
Mother plans a trip abroad--for geneology.

Child is killed in a gang fight, and
his mother dries a tear.
"He'd still be alive if his father had stayed here."

I posted this poem on PoetsAlley awhile back, and the feedback wasn't too good. My intent in writing this poem was to portray how a mother will pay no attention to her child, but then blame his failure on someone who wasn't present at all. Apparently, this was interpreted as me supporting the mother's behavior, which wasn't what was meant at all. Thus, revision...

• "This overall is smooth and doesn't require much pickpoint editing, although lacking in specific imagery or some other zing that would spare it its redundancy. It is witty at its best, confusing and boring otherwise. The computer game bit just went over my head. The rhyming doesn't sound contrived and thus works well, but it isn't quite enough to make this poem remain in my mind. "
• "Hmm, the second poem of yours that I have read, where it ends with a feminist touch, and a bitterness towards us males. But I don't think the last line is what it appears. I think it reflects worse on the mother, as if her blaming another will save her sanity and take away much her guilt. The structure is a little different, I am, again, unsure whether I like it or not. but I haven't seen that often, so I guess I tilt more towards liking it, than disliking it."
• "I like it. Very interesting, especially the last line. Good post!"
• "I liked the child's progression in the poem, but I have to say that the poem's structure made me feel as if I were reading a road map. I didn't get the sense that the mother felt guilty at all. In fact, it seemed to me that she believed she did all she could for the child. What caught my eye though was your usage of "his" judge instead of "the" judge. Was that on purpose? I think it must have been. That is significant. That such a small word can imply so much about an individual. Nice going."